Don’t you just hate that feeling of anxiety? That nervous energy in your body that starts off as nothing but can escalate really fast if you let it. Anxiety can appear at any given moment, regardless of whether you’re aware of your anxiety triggers or not. There are several treatments known to be effective for anxiety, like Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). As a trauma and anxiety specialist, I am very familiar with both of these treatments but in this blog post, I provide a brief summary of the DARE approach developed by Barry McDonagh that I think can be very helpful for so many people struggling with anxiety.
There are four steps in the DARE approach.
Step 1: Defuse
Usually, when we feel anxiety, we start to ask ourselves “What if?” questions and it’s really rare that those questions are positive like “What if I get really good news today?” or “What if I get promoted after doing such a great job at my presentation?”. When we’re anxious, we instead ask ourselves “What if I lose my job and have to move back in with my parents?” What if I have a panic attack in front of everyone?” “What if these thoughts never stop and I go crazy?” These are automatic negative thoughts that are completely outside of our control. The best thing we can do when we have anxious negative thoughts is respond to them in the right way, to stop them from spiraling. So the first step is to Defuse. The next time you have a negative “What if?” question try answering with “SO WHAT!” or “OH WELL”.
“What if I lose my job and have to move back in with my parents?”
SO WHAT!
Remind yourself that you’re fully capable of finding a new job and living with your parents will just be temporary.
“What if I have a panic attack in front of everyone?”
OH WELL.
Someone will help you if you have a panic attack and before you know it, the panic attack will be over.
“What if these thoughts never stop and I go crazy?”
OH WELL.
At some point, your mind is going to settle and your thoughts will stop.
Although this first step might seem simplistic, the reality is that even if some of your anxious thoughts are really terrifying for you, being anxious about them isn’t going to make these thoughts disappear. Giving in to your anxious thoughts is just going to make you suffer so much more than you need to.
Step 2: Allow
Now that you’ve defused your anxious thoughts from spiraling, now you need to accept your anxious feelings and allow them to do whatever they want to do. Sounds crazy right? I know it does because when you’re anxious, you desperately want to keep everything in order to maintain control—letting your anxiety do whatever it wants to do is the complete opposite of what you want to do!
Here’s the deal: The more you fight anxiety, the more it’s going to fight you back- and I hate to tell you but most likely, your anxiety is going to win. Allow your anxiety to be with you. Say hi to it. Befriend it even.
I had an important presentation a few months ago, and my anxiety was through the roof. Right before I walked in, I told my anxiety “Let’s do this!”. I didn’t want my anxiety to be with me, but it was there and it wasn’t going anywhere so I invited it to join me. By the way, my presentation was AMAZING! :)
The more you welcome anxiety, the faster your anxiety will drop.
Step 3: Run Toward
Usually, when we have anxiety, our automatic thoughts are related to fear. What if instead of thinking something bad is going to happen, you tell yourself that something good is about to happen. If you think about it, feelings associated with fear and feelings associated with excitement are pretty similar. Do those “butterflies in your stomach” ring a bell?
Once you can respond to your anxious feelings as just nervous energy in your body, you’re less likely to view them as a threat. Choose to tell yourself, “I wonder what good things this feeling is preparing me for” or “I’m excited for what’s coming”. This may sound crazy but remember, you’re sending a message to your brain that says “I’m not worried about you.”
Step 4: Engage
So you’ve done steps 1-3, now it’s time to seal the deal to not let your anxious mind try to suck you back into fear. You need to engage in something that will take up your attention. In therapy, we often call this, the use of coping skills. It can be anything. Here are some suggestions: reading a book, exercising, going out with friends, listening to music, or whatever works for you. The key is to do something that will occupy your mind.
To recap, the next time you feel anxiety, remember to DARE
Once you become aware that you’re anxious, defuse it immediately but taking a “so what, oh well” mentality.
Instead of trying to fight off your anxiety, accept and allow your anxiety to be with you.
Change your perspective fearing your anxiety, by telling yourself that you’re excited about what lies ahead. Run toward it!
Lastly, engage in an activity that occupies your mind fully.
As a beginner using this approach, you may have to fake it until you make it, meaning it may take some practice to genuinely believe in these steps, but once you do it, you’ll notice the shift.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the DARE approach! What are some of the things you do to help reduce your anxiety?
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In my Scarsdale therapy practice, I try to help each individual as fully as possible. This is why I also provide therapy for teens, therapy for adults, trauma therapy, therapy for anxiety, and specialized techniques such as EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy. If you want to explore these options further, let’s connect!
